I have woken up around 5 hrs back and I don’t know how to spend time till I can go to sleep again. My alienation from the world and the people around me scares and worries me. There is so much pressure to be. A’s wedding makes me scared of the threat that looms ahead of me in my near future. B, C and D all working: reminds me of what I don’t have. And E and F abroad show me that I am stuck in my four walls of a room.
Everything is how we think it is. I guess I can ignore a’s wedding for the realization that my parents are too kind to ever pressure me. And B and D’s jobs don’t reflect that I will never have these. And E and F’s..well, that probably is what I think it is. But even if I let this stuff slide by, the disgust that I have for myself in the deeper hollows of my flesh and bones is dejection unto my own self. Some huge secret, something that holds the power to break my world as I know it does exist. That, I am certain of. And if I could, I’d rip the secret out of my body, like ripping out a band-aid and get it over with, but I am not sure that that can be done. Being with the misery around me, on my mother’s face in her stress lines around her mouth, and my father’s depression masked in his stormy anger, and my brother’s quiet defeat, and baby’s naivety… they all just make me sadder.
I need to run away somewhere. Away from all of them, from their despair, their fear and their anxiety. I wish to not be identified or measured by their distress. I have a right to get away for my own sanity, I read somewhere. I want to get lost, and start over, and never, ever look back. Look back neither at them all, nor at who I am at the moment.