He’ll never call. As I type this, I make myself aware of the fact that I do not believe this wholeheartedly. He will not call, and while he won’t, I will keep dejectedly waiting for his call. My best girl friends, people who I tell my darkest, deepest secrets to, are the ones I am lying to about this. This is a stupid, trivial thing compared to what all I trust them with. But I can’t tell them that I still have feelings for him and that his absence makes me feel sad, because they don’t get it. One of them has never had a boy not like her back. The other has never liked a boy to that extent. I don’t blame them for not getting it. But I do blame them for judging me for being a spineless, sad, pushover. Really. He won’t ever call. Because his biggest game is to make me feel like shit. He thrives on this. Why don’t I get it? Why can’t I accept that?
I’ll do about anything for this person. If he calls me and tells me to help him hide a body, I might even do that. If he calls me after so many days and tells me to meet him, I will not say no. I will be there if he picks up the phone to vent to me about whatever it is that is going wrong in his life. I love him that much. Since when did love become so mean? I love him. I’m hopelessly in awe of his goodness. I’ve been pining for him for two years now. Two years. I don’t think there’s a more pathetic character on a tv show than the person I am being right now. I would get over him. I would. But I have feelings for him. I don’t know how to squash them inside a little box within my heart. I don’t know how to make him stop calling me at all so that I’d finally find it within myself to eventually move on.
I want to cry so much. For giving away so much that it hurts that he doesn’t give a shit about me. I can’t press publish on this. It will just make me pining for a guy who doesn’t love me back, and haven’t I had enough of that shit yet?
Posting this song here in case you need to hear it. I needed to. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JI-o25K6B-E