The world died and built itself up again with the despicable reliance of you on that word. Really? Hmm?! The blind and the deaf thought it’s not worth learning the verbal language when they saw you use “hmm”.
The second worst thing you can say is,”Alright, well, I’m going to get some sleep now.” Okay, then. My purpose of telling you what I told was so you can roll over in bed.
When people, your friends-specifically, tell you something that is really fucking up in their life, and I mean the, can’t-fix-it, not-in-their-hands kinda fixed, when it is so bad that you just want to disappear because you know that no words of yours will make it any better for them, and your thoughts will make it even worse, that’s when you don’t rely on such words. They know it is bad. They know you can’t do anything. But they’re telling you. And the only reason why somebody ever tells anybody else anything is so that it is heard. So, hear it. Hear not just the fact, but the consequences arising from the fact, the hopelessness, the feelings of defeat. Share. Share your shoulder to cry on, and if that’s too squishy and crampy, share your virtual shoulder… share your BBM chat window which is where most of our conversations take place anyway..that, or text windows. Talk. About anything and everything regarding the topic, and if the person says they don’t want to talk about it any more, then stay silent. THEN, use the word “Hmm.” When you ask them if they are alright, and they say “It’s cool, I’m ok”, that is when you know they aren’t. Because if anyone needs to say this out loud, then they aren’t. Stay there; talk to them about something else. About how your fish died, or tell them the little secret that you’ve been keeping too close to your heart. Anything . But don’t let it be like a blank. Silence is the most beautiful form of communications, but absence of words,absence of communication isn’t.
He’ll never call. As I type this, I make myself aware of the fact that I do not believe this wholeheartedly. He will not call, and while he won’t, I will keep dejectedly waiting for his call. My best girl friends, people who I tell my darkest, deepest secrets to, are the ones I am lying to about this. This is a stupid, trivial thing compared to what all I trust them with. But I can’t tell them that I still have feelings for him and that his absence makes me feel sad, because they don’t get it. One of them has never had a boy not like her back. The other has never liked a boy to that extent. I don’t blame them for not getting it. But I do blame them for judging me for being a spineless, sad, pushover. Really. He won’t ever call. Because his biggest game is to make me feel like shit. He thrives on this. Why don’t I get it? Why can’t I accept that?
I’ll do about anything for this person. If he calls me and tells me to help him hide a body, I might even do that. If he calls me after so many days and tells me to meet him, I will not say no. I will be there if he picks up the phone to vent to me about whatever it is that is going wrong in his life. I love him that much. Since when did love become so mean? I love him. I’m hopelessly in awe of his goodness. I’ve been pining for him for two years now. Two years. I don’t think there’s a more pathetic character on a tv show than the person I am being right now. I would get over him. I would. But I have feelings for him. I don’t know how to squash them inside a little box within my heart. I don’t know how to make him stop calling me at all so that I’d finally find it within myself to eventually move on.
I want to cry so much. For giving away so much that it hurts that he doesn’t give a shit about me. I can’t press publish on this. It will just make me pining for a guy who doesn’t love me back, and haven’t I had enough of that shit yet?
Posting this song here in case you need to hear it. I needed to. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JI-o25K6B-E